Back to Before
by beth51276
Summary: Amanda's story during Search for Spock and The Voyage Home. Spock is miraculously returned to his family. Amanda and Sarek begin his retraining, but Amanda finds that hindsight lends insight, and is determined for things to be different in the second chance they've been given with their son.
1. Chapter 1- A Vulcan Wife

Yes, I have been derelict in my duties in not updating "Suddenly". Real life interfered, and I have had an enormous case of writer's block. Until today, when I was inspired by yet another song.

This is set during _Search for Spock_ and _The Voyage Home_, and it's from Amanda's point of view.

Chapter 1- A Vulcan Wife

_There was a time, our happiness seemed never ending._  
_I was so sure, that where we were headed was right._

I am Vulcan. Not by biology or birth, of course, but by that all-encompassing Vulcan tie of marriage. Marriage to a Vulcan is not a simple exchange of vows ended with a simple kiss and documents filed with the Federation.

It's not something you can throw off at your leisure, and disregard because you feel you've grown apart. Truly bonded Vulcan couples don't grow apart. The bonding has no regard for the passage of time, for its very purpose is to forever draw you together. For Humans, it is truly an alien concept. But I'm not completely Human anymore. Over 50 years later, it's relationships of my birth culture that I regard as alien. Even occasionally appalled by the lackadaisical approach that Humans approach intimate relationships. I have become that Vulcan, at least in that.

You probably know who I am by reputation. Not by my own, for who could have a reputation that rivals Sarek of Vulcan? There's an easy answer for that. I have a son. Now everyone knows who he is. People only thought Sarek was a legend. Even our own late Matriarch, T'Pau, was legendary for being the only person to turn down a seat on the Federation High Council. But now both of their reputations are dwarfed by that of my son. Spock is now someone who has only one possible counterpart in Earth culture, and there's no proof of that. Even now, there are Humans who embrace the Biblical Jesus of Nazareth. But in Spock's case, when the tomb was opened, there was no doubt that it was truly empty.

I'm jumping the gun here. I have to go back, and tell my story, our story.

You saw the footage of my son standing with his shipmates before the Federation President as they faced a daunting number of charges, events that Spock had no part in. Even Sarek was proud. He would never use that word, of course. But I know the truth. It was mostly a happy ending, for nearly everyone concerned. Even Captain Kirk's demotion from Admiral was a joyous relief as he once again found himself in the Captain's chair of the new Enterprise, my son once again at his side. But as you know, the beginning of this story was far from joyous.

No one had to tell us that Spock had died. I felt it reverberate through my husband's mind at the very moment of Spock's death. Not even Vulcan control could succeed in the face of such devastation. My husband sank to his knees as he held his temples in agony. Sarek could not restrain a wrenching cry as he felt Spock's dim consciousness disappear from his mind. I don't remember anything after that until I woke up in my bedroom.


	2. Chapter 2- You Can't Stop Me

Chapter 2- You Can't Stop Me

_Life was a road, so certain, and straight, and unbending._  
_Our little road, with never a crossroad in sight._

When I came awake, it was not gradually. It was sudden, as though I was waking up from a nightmare. But nightmares are dreams, and this was not a dream. My son, the child of two worlds, of two cultures, and the product of a private love never spoken aloud was gone. I tried to sit up, but then I felt the inexorable hand of my Vulcan husband.

"I think not, my wife."

"How did I end up here, Sarek?"

Vulcans didn't typically indulge in facial expressions, but Sarek's face was awash with grief, regret, and worry. "You fainted. My reaction to...what happened caused a physical response. You were overcome by my own emotions, that under the circumstances, were too much for me to control without consequence to you. Once I regained a semblance of control, I brought you here."

I couldn't contain my anguish as I burst into tears. "Oh, Sarek! How did this happen?"

"It was logical."

Now I sat up, worried Vulcan husband be damned. "I have put up with a lot over the years in the name of Vulcan culture, Vulcan logic, Vulcan disciplines, and have put aside many of my own cultural needs, Human imperatives. I will not sit here and allow you to speak of the death of our only child as though it were...a mathematical equation."

Briefly stunned, Sarek was at a loss for words. I folded my arms across my chest and looked at him, waiting for him to explain himself.

Sarek took my hand, and kissed it. "Amanda, that is not my intention. While you were unconscious, I spoke with Admiral Kirk. As his commanding officer, it is his duty to inform family members. Spock sacrificed himself for his ship, my wife. They were in a situation that could only mean death. Spock had a choice between his death alone, and his death in addition to that of his crew aboard the Enterprise, including Admiral Kirk. He...restored the warp drive so they could escape the Genesis wave that would have killed them all."

That should have comforted me, knowing that my son's death was not in vain. But it didn't. I once said I was sick to death of logic. I meant it then, and I meant it again today. It didn't matter that intellectually, there was no way that Spock was going to live. I couldn't speak, and I started to cry anew.

I thought that I no longer had the capacity to be surprised by Sarek, but that supposition was wrong.

"My wife, I must go to Earth," Sarek said, as if it was any other day, and the most natural thing in the world.

"Earth? Whatever for?"

"Spock's katra. I am amazed that Kirk has not already been drawn here. He would have been the logical choice."

"Oh God. I forgot about that," I swallowed back a sob. "I must go with you!"

For all their lack of emotions, Vulcan husbands are very fussy. Or maybe this Vulcan husband in relation to his Human wife. He was going to find out just how intractable I could be.

"You cannot. You are not well," Sarek replied, almost soothingly. To reinforce that, he stroked my hair away from my temple.

"Oh no, you don't," I jerked away, unwilling to be patronized, even by the best of my husband's intentions. "I don't know how Vulcans cope with such a loss, but I can't bear the isolation. As for my being unwell, that was your own lapse of control. Humans need comfort in grief. I can't deal with this without you. I'm not too old to have my own way about this, and so I am going." To prove my point, I rose from my bed, as if I were 28 and not 78, and marched to my closet and began to pull garments.

Tossing my head and swiftly grabbing essentials, "I'll hide away and rest at the Embassy, if that's what you wish. But you can't stop me, Sarek. You can leave without me, but I have servants loyal enough to me that will risk your displeasure and will aid me in following you, my logical Vulcan husband." I zipped open the suitcase I had brought from my closet and began packing, as I had done hundreds of times over the past six decades.

Sarek merely titled his head. If it had been any other circumstances, he might have been amused. "Though I am dubious of the wisdom of you making such a journey, I am too weary to even try to prevent you from coming. I must admit that I do not wish to be alone."

I might be nearing 80, but I still had the same posture I had as a young woman. Modern medicine had eradicated disastrous, deforming conditions such as osteoporosis. While I can't say I still felt like I was 25, I knew that 80 was not nearly as old as it had been 300 years ago. I squared my shoulders and met Sarek's eyes. "Then it's settled."

So before the enormity of what had happened had had a chance to sink in, Sarek and I were at the Vulcan spaceport, boarding his private diplomatic cruiser, and then heading to Earth at Warp 16.


	3. Chapter 3- A Vulcan Family

Chapter 3- A Vulcan Family

_You'd sail away, while I turned my back to the sea._

Khan Noonien Singh. Being married to the highest level Ambassador in the Federation had its perks. It meant that almost nothing was above Sarek's security clearance. It also meant we knew much of the exploits of the Enterprise. In spite of the breach between Spock and Sarek, Sarek had monitored Spock's progress in Starfleet.

That journey to Gol aside, Sarek and I had seen much more of our son since our trip aboard the Enterprise. Spock took on a half-Romulan ward, an engaging little girl named Saavik. Saavik stayed at our home while Spock was at Starfleet. Sarek was rather leery at first, but he eventually grew fond of Saavik. I think that through Saavik, Sarek gained an understanding of the struggle that Spock had due to his dual heritage. Saavik had even greater control issues than Spock. I also think that Sarek came to a greater understanding of why Spock enlisted in Starfleet because of the circumstances under which Saavik was discovered. I think my very conservative husband viewed Starfleet as some sort of Vulcan _rumschpringe_ for Spock. If he understood the meaning of that archaic Earth term, I think he would have concurred.

Spock had grown up in exceedingly privileged circumstances, and had the benefit of the best education, best tutors, and best masters in the training of Vulcan disciplines. Saavik, on the other hand, had been rescued from the bowels of a literal Romulan hell. Even Sarek knew that Saavik would only gain a fraction of Spock's control. I could tell that Spock was secretly pleased to see his ward enlist in Starfleet. He knew, perhaps better than anyone else, that occasional lapses of control that would be seen as horrifying in Vulcan society would be largely unnoticed in Starfleet. Saavik was probably shattered inside by Spock's death.

As I promised before, I stayed in our quarters at the Vulcan Embassy in San Francisco. I didn't want to admit it, but space travel was more tiring than it had been when I was younger. Sarek had gone to seek out Admiral Kirk at his home near Starfleet Headquarters. Waiting was agony. I could not concentrate on reading, and sleep was out of the question, in spite of my fatigue. Then I felt the onslaught of my husband's emotions. I was better prepared this time. Anger, frustration, despair, and then the image of something Sarek tried to prevent me from seeing. Spock, poisoned by radiation, his face burned nearly beyond recognition, and then as he tried to approach Admiral Kirk with his usual erect bearing, bumped into the chamber. Blind. No wonder Sarek hadn't wanted me to see it. I started to sob all over again, broken over what had happened to my child. Then I felt the slightest thread of hope.

Vulcans did not normally hurry, but Sarek knew I was anxiously awaiting his return. He was a bit breathless as he removed his outer cloak and handed it to a waiting servant. "Dr. McCoy. Spock melded with Dr. McCoy before he died."

"Where is Spock's body?"

"Spock had not requested to be interred on Vulcan, but in space instead."

Unable to contain my shock and horror, I cried, "But what does that mean? Where is our son, Sarek?"

"Admiral Kirk, claiming to be honoring Spock's wishes," Sarek replied rather dubiously, as though he doubted Kirk's greater knowledge of his son's wishes, "sent our son's remains through a photon torpedo tube onto the surface of Genesis, the planet that was created when the Genesis device was activated by none other than Khan Noonien Singh."

I remembered reading about the infamous Khan. Some of the darkest parts of our history before Cochrane's first warp flight were because of genetic manipulation designed to create the Augments. Khan was merely considered the highest echelon of that experiment. And he was responsible for my son's death. All because of an axe to grind with James T. Kirk from 20 years ago.

The Enterprise mission into the Mutara Nebula was now highly publicized, along with the now-quarantined planet Genesis. Not even the brass at Starfleet could keep it quiet. My son was hailed a hero for saving the Enterprise. A hollow victory.

My eyes traveled up to my husband's face, as if to say, "Now what?"

"Admiral Kirk has pledged to travel to Genesis to retrieve our son. He has serious doubts that Admiral Morrow will permit him, but claims he will retrieve Spock regardless of his orders. Dr. McCoy is suffering some ill effects from carrying Spock's katra, and he will die if this is not resolved."

What friends my son had, to be willing to do anything for him, even in death.

"So, are we to return home, Sarek?"

"No," shaking his head slightly. "We await the news of how the plan will be executed. We must await to see if any of Kirk's officers need to claim asylum before we depart for home. If Morrow refuses Admiral Kirk's request, and I calculate the odds of him doing so at 72.6 percent, Kirk and his most loyal officers will be guilty of violating numerous Starfleet regulations. Nevertheless, I am prepared to offer any of the Enterprise crew that aid Kirk in his endeavor asylum on Vulcan."

I actually smiled at my husband. His Vulcan precision was always a source of amusement for me. "Those are high odds. Let us hope that the legendary James T. Kirk lives up to his legend and pulls off the unlikely."


	4. Chapter 4- On the Wheels of a Dream

Chapter 4- On the Wheels of a Dream

_I was content, a princess asleep and enchanted._  
_If I had dreams, then I let you dream them for me._

Sarek's calculations proved correct. Admiral Morrow most emphatically refused Kirk's request for the decommissioned Enterprise or any other ship to travel to Genesis. What followed was the most ingenious and quick plan of action I have ever witnessed. Kirk had always been known for his cockiness, but even Sarek marveled at the sheer audacity of the admiral's actions. Kirk and Commander Sulu broke Dr. McCoy, who was literally crazy from the effects of Spock's final mind meld, from the Starfleet brig.

Uhura deliberately chose a boring shift at Starfleet's transporter pad so she could beam her shipmates aboard the Enterprise. But the most stunning action came from the admiral's "miracle worker", Mr. Scott. Ever loyal to a ship bearing the name Enterprise, he gleefully sabotaged the transwarp drive on the next big thing...the USS Excelsior. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall when that oily Captain Styles was stopped short out of spacedock. Spock had often pointed out that Admiral Kirk's abilities were quite wasted behind a desk in Starfleet. Some officers that didn't have Kirk's track record of saving the day were jealous, and dreamed of either besting him or showing him up. I don't doubt that Styles fell into that category. Commander Sulu was supposed to have that ship, anyway.

Out of loyalty to the admiral, and to Spock, Mr. Scott and Commander Chekov insisted on accompanying Kirk and McCoy on their journey. As Sarek predicted, we had to provide asylum. In the end, it was only Commander Uhura that made her narrow escape from the authorities before being granted entrance on our Embassy grounds. Diplomatic immunity meant that Sarek could cut through everything, and before long, we were journeying home, to Vulcan.

The Enterprise had sustained a lot of damage in its last mission, so we naturally knew that our private craft would arrive on Vulcan at least a day before them. We had taken Uhura into our home while we waited for word from Admiral Kirk. It was the longest wait of my life, but in the end, I would have waited another year or more for the word we received.

Finally, Sarek received the news we had been waiting for. I was having tea with Commander Uhura when I felt wonder and then...tentative joy stir from my husband's mind. Sarek came out of his study and was wearing the closest thing to a human smile I had ever seen on him. His eyes fell on Uhura and he hastily brought his face back into Vulcan stoicism, though not quite successfully. His eyes were almost unfocused, as though looking at something no one else could see.

"What is it, Sarek?"

Sarek uncharacteristically flopped into an armchair. "Admiral Kirk is en route to Vulcan. He claims that the Genesis Wave has regenerated our son, and that Spock is alive."

"Alive? But how?" I dared to hope.

"The Genesis project was meant to generate life from lifelessness. Our son's cells were regenerated and now Kirk says that Spock is alive, but unaware, unconscious. There is a chance, a slim chance, that Spock's katra can be restored to his living body. I must contact T'Lar so we can meet at Mount Seleya. It is a legend, Amanda. _Fal-tor-pan_, the refusion. It has never been performed in modern times. It is a pre-Reform possibility, and only the most gifted of adepts can possibly attempt it. There are no promises, my wife."

Tears streamed down my face. I'm usually crying alone, but I turned my gaze over to Uhura's lovely face, and she was crying as well. "Spock! Spock used to say there were always possibilities. I have faith that my son will be returned to me, safe and whole." As Sarek prepared to protest, I raised a hand to stop him. "No, Sarek. No logic, not this time. This happened for a reason. Spock believed in destiny, and in possibilities. Our son will be whole once again, and the sacrifices of Kirk and the Enterprise crew will not be in vain. Just as Spock's sacrifice saved them, they have helped to save him."


	5. Chapter 5- Unafraid of Revealing

Chapter 5- Unafraid of Revealing

_There are people out there, unafraid of revealing,_  
_that they might have a feeling, or they might have been wrong!_

Sarek didn't have all the details, but Spock was being brought home aboard a Klingon Bird-of-Prey. Sarek, ever the diplomat, used all of his gifts to persuade the Vulcan spaceport that it was Federation personnel aboard the ship and not a band of Klingons bent on trouble. As I watched from my distant sentry, I saw an unlikely sight. A Klingon warship landing at Mount Seleya, a veritable beacon of Vulcan non-emotion and peace.

It was a ragged crew I saw disembark from the Klingon ship. Saavik was among them, and I wondered how she wound up there. She made no pretense of control, and I knew then that she had been through a miserable experience. Dr. McCoy was barely holding things together as they brought my son off the ship on a stretcher. Admiral Kirk was the hardest to look at. The young, handsome James T. Kirk I knew from years ago had completely vanished. In his place was a man battered, bruised, but worse than that, he bore an expression of glassy-eyed shock and grief. _What had happened when they went to Genesis?_

There was no time for that, as Spock was brought to the dais before T'Lar. I think people like T'Lar thought that Sarek had succumbed to the most hideous of Vulcan emotion when he chose me as his wife. So what happened next was no surprise. The memory rankles me, even in the face of all I have gained.

"What you seek has not been done since ages past, and then only in legend. Your request is not logical."

So before Vulcan's most trained, most logical high priestess, Sarek was forced to admit his feelings.

"Forgive me, T'Lar. My logic is uncertain where my son is concerned."

**Damn** her. I could swear that was the concession she was looking for. My husband's request was logical. It was in accordance with respect for life, and that is the Vulcan way. Where was the logic in allowing a husk of a being to remain a vegetable, when the possibility of sentience was a choice at hand?

But T'Lar, either conceding to Sarek's request, or accepting the challenge, agreed to _fal-tor-pan_. I swallowed as I watched Dr. McCoy approach the dais and lie near Spock. Spock had said that Dr. McCoy had always been uncomfortable with the experience of a Vulcan mind meld. He must have been terrified at the notion of this cold, logical Vulcan priestess figuratively fumbling around in his brain. At least with Spock, he knew he was linking with a friend.

This was no quick fix. Minutes turned to hours. As I stared at what was happening, I was surprised by the approach of Saavik. I offered a Vulcan familial embrace, but Saavik broke down and lost all composure. Sinking to her knees, she wept inconsolably in my lap. So I did what all mothers do. This was Saavik, and in many ways, she had become my child too. She was the closest thing to a daughter I would ever have. I stroked her hair and murmured to her while she regained her composure. She raised eyes, green with bloodshot, tears staining her unwashed face.

"Amanda, you are the only one I can turn to, the only one I can allow to see my disgrace..."

I stroked her hair back from her her face. "My dearest girl. Saavikam, what happened? How did you wind up with Admiral Kirk? I thought you were aboard the Grissom!"

Saavik poured out her story and things clicked into place and everything made sense. The destruction of the USS Grissom, her romantic entanglement with David Marcus, and Kruge. He was at the center of all of the chaos. The Klingon warbird had belonged to Kruge, and he had destroyed the Grissom after Saavik and Dr. Marcus had beamed onto Genesis. The awful discovery that David had practiced unethical science in creating the Genesis Device. They were trapped on a planet that was rapidly destroying itself. And then Kruge had come planet side and taken the three of them hostage. He wanted the formula, wanted the Genesis device as a weapon for the Klingon Empire. Admiral Kirk had arrived, just in time for one of Kruge's men to murder David. Kirk's grief...David Marcus was his son. And Saavik had fallen in love with him, only to see him murdered.

"We barely escaped with our lives," finished Saavik, "Admiral Kirk lured most of Kruge's men aboard the Enterprise and beamed down to the surface of Genesis. He laid a trap, had enacted a self-destruct sequence and destroyed the Enterprise, with most of Kruge's crew on board. He barely managed to leave the planet with Spock after defeating Kruge before we watched Genesis implode. Spock had been a little boy when we first found him and he aged over a matter of hours. His aging process was tied to the planet. I could not hide my shock when I watched the shape and structure of his face change in a matter of seconds, from an adolescent to a grown male. And David...he died saving us. He saved Spock, Amanda."

I had done more crying since Spock's death than I had done in the previous 50 years combined. The enormity of Kirk's sacrifice. David's death, destroying the Enterprise. Spock had once said that his captain loved the Enterprise as though it were a living being.

Finally, I saw the form of my son, standing on his own, alive, breathing. The adepts helped him into a white robe. Sarek tentatively approached him, and as he did so, he fully opened our bond, so I would see things as he did. Spock looked at Sarek for a brief moment, and said, "Father?"

"Yes, Spock. Your mother is here as well. Your Starfleet friends are also here, and have been waiting. They found you and brought you here."

Spock frowned a bit, puzzled. "Why would they do this?"

"That is a question you must ask of Admiral Kirk, my son," replied Sarek.

Accompanied by more adepts, Spock made his way from the dais. I saw the exchange between Sarek and Admiral Kirk as my husband offered a most unVulcan "thank you", and acknowledged Kirk's sacrifice and cost for Spock's life.

Still watching this scene through my husband's eyes, I watched my son turn around and look at Kirk. He asks Kirk why he did this for him.

Spock is still confused, but then his face changes. He is reaching, and this time, he doesn't falter.

"I have been and ever shall be your friend."

Saavik had left when she saw Spock walk away from T'Lar. So I was alone when I cried with joy and waved my hands in excitement. It was all I could do not to shatter all the pointed ears with shrieking cheers. Then the moment came when I knew victory was at hand.

"Jim. Your name...is Jim."

My bond sang with joy we had not experienced since Spock's birth, and it wasn't only mine. I knew Sarek was struggling to keep a lid on his happiness. Yes, happiness. For in that brief exchange with Admiral Kirk, both Sarek and I knew that the _fal-tor-pan_ had been successful, and that our son had been miraculously returned to us.

We still had work to do, but I had faith that all would be well.


	6. Chapter 6- Back to Before

**Author's Note: I am a hobbyist singer, and keep my voice in shape in order to help my daughter with her formal training. "Back to Before" is one of the songs that I keep in my repertoire. It's from the musical "Ragtime" and it's about an upper-class wife and mother who has gone through life, living up to societal expectations, always knowing where her place was, and doing exactly as her husband wished. Events happen in the musical that have changed her too much for her to go back to the way things were, and this song is how she lets her husband know how she feels. **

**I was singing this song and as I did so, I imagined an Amanda who had changed too much since she was a young wife and mother, one who was determined to have a larger role when fate gave Spock a second chance to live. **

Chapter 6- Back to Before

_Back in the days, when I let you make all my choices._  
_We can never go back to before._

I stood on the expansive terrace of our mountain home, watching the Vulcan sunset. This was my favorite time of day. Even though my home was on Vulcan, the inevitable coolness that came with nightfall in the desert was a whisper of Earth, my humanity.

My reunion with Spock had been little different from Sarek's. I could not maintain my composure, and threw all the usual protocol to the wind as I embraced my son. I knew he was not yet grounded in this new body. He absently patted me and said, "Mother, all is well. All is well." It was Spock, and yet not Spock. That unique spark had not fully come alive yet. Part of him knew how to respond, and yet every move, every word was tentative.

He was to stay on Seleya with the student-adepts as his retraining commenced. Feeding him plomeek soup and reading to him while he rested was not an option on my list.

Alone for the first time since we had granted Commander Uhura asylum, I did not hesitate to speak my mind. We had been given another chance, and it was simply not to be squandered. I had gathered my thoughts and laid out my own tools of logic.

Sarek crossed the room and swept me in his arms, and gave me a very Human kiss. He was happy, and I could feel it resonate from his very center. After a few moments of clinging to each other, Sarek stepped back to meet my eyes.

"You have questions, no doubt."

"You could hardly expect otherwise," I chuckled. "My son is saved from the jaws of death, and we do not know what he does or does not remember, much less his intellectual capabilities at this point.

Sarek crossed to the edge of the balcony, looking at the expanse of stars that twinkled in the night. Our home being more isolated, it was a much more beautiful sight than Shikahr proper had to offer.

"As I said to Admiral Kirk when the refusion was finished, only time will tell. He has been through a great deal, as far as psychological trauma. His movement, and the fact that he recognized Kirk is very promising. But there is much to do. He will be tested to see how much he retained as far as technical knowledge, and the adepts will once again train him thoroughly in the disciplines, and..."

This is where I abruptly cut him off. "The disciplines? You mean to train him in mastery, all over again, as if he were still a child?"

"He must be trained in the Vulcan way. This will include the emotional discipline he learned as a child. He must remaster control in order to function in Vulcan society."

"Sarek," I began, "you know that I have always believed that the Vulcan way is a good philosophy. But it isn't easy. By that, I mean for you and Spock. After all these years, I know that by the most logical Vulcan standards, you are considered emotional."

"Amanda, that is..." My husband, the renowned diplomat, might have sputtered were it not for Vulcan control.

"Illogical?" I smiled, refusing to be drawn. "I do not think so. You were the first Vulcan to marry a Human. You would not have done so were it not for something emotional inside of you that responded to me. I am too old to play the game you've always played with everyone else, that marrying me was _the logical thing to do_. I don't deny that it was. But not for the reasons you allow the general public to believe. As for Spock, I told you many years ago, that our son was the only Vulcan who had ever had to master both Vulcan passions _and_ Human emotion."

By this time, Sarek's mouth was a tight line. "He succeeded. As he had to, and as he must again."

"How well did that work for him, Sarek? As much as he conformed to Vulcan standards of behavior, it didn't earn him any amiable associates here. He spent his childhood ostracized from his peers, his _logical_ Vulcan peers who were supposed to be engaging in mastery of the disciplines. _Logical_ Vulcan peers who were supposed to be living the philosophy of IDIC, Sarek! I didn't plan to bring up T'Pring again, but I have to point out that the traditional Vulcan bonding didn't work out for him. Not this time, Sarek. Now it's time for you to live up to your observations that I know you recognized while we were raising Saavik."

Sarek sat down on the terrace bench. It had all been exhausting, even for a Vulcan. The news of Spock's death, the journey to Earth and then back to Vulcan. The nearly endless waiting during the _fal-tor-pan_. The familiar Vulcan steeple of the fingers, rather than the Human habit of wringing one's hands.

"I wanted him to have a full share in his heritage, Amanda."

"He will have that, Sarek. But he also deserves to be the person he was before he died. Spock had found himself. It took nearly 50 years for him to truly ground himself, to become at peace with who he really is. If we start from square one, it may take that long for him to find it again. Whatever you thought of his choices as far as Starfleet was concerned 40 years ago, it matters little now. The person Spock had become was a good person, a brilliant, logical person, who was a loyal friend that possessed a compassionate heart. A balance of Vulcan and Human. And that is who he is. We deliberately set out to conceive both, did we not?"

Seeing no response, I continued. "I am your wife, and when we were raising Spock, I went along with everything, even against my better judgment. I let you make all of our choices, even when I thought they might backfire, and some of them certainly did. But I have changed, Sarek, and if you were to meditate, you might admit that you have as well. We can't go back to the way things were before, when Spock was a boy. He deserves for his life to continue where things left off. Even in Starfleet, even facing the danger once again."

I sat on the bench beside him and took his hand. He gave me that small smile he always reserved for me. "I wonder why the Federation does not send you to Q'onoS. What do you propose we do?"

"We start with training his memory, testing his recall of things that occurred before his death. We begin with educational testing, test his intellectual recall of all of his academic studies. I do not discount the Vulcan disciplines entirely, Sarek. I know that Spock needed them. But I have an illogical hunch that if Spock begins to remember his past, then the disciplines will come. I also think the training process should have controls put into place, keeping his humanity in mind. He is half-Human. It is logical to acknowledge that as well."

"What you are suggesting is logical, the term 'hunch' not withstanding," Sarek conceded. "You are correct about Saavik. I did gain some perspective about Spock. I will even admit that I do not wish to see him make another journey to Gol. However, I still do think that meditation should be a daily requirement."

I nodded in agreement. "You have no argument on that score, Sarek. He requires it more than I do, and even I use what I can of the disciplines periodically to center and calm myself. If Spock can't emerge from this as though he never died, then I want the closest thing possible to that scenario. I'm not asking for him to be schooled in romantic love, slapstick humor, or tearjerking drama. But we flew blind the first time around, Sarek. Not again."

"Then we are in agreement, my wife?"

"Yes, we are." Sarek took my hand and began to lead me from the terrace, into our bedroom. With a sudden dash of mischief, I grinned at him. "Now about T'Lar..."


End file.
